For a Healthier Me

In my family, we’ve always had weight problems. I weighed (on Monday) 205 pounds. I am ready to take whatever steps necessary to become healthy. My goal for now (as a big boned, 5’5″ tall, young lady) is 150lbs. Monday I started using “My Fitness Pal” and I think after a four days of being faithful to 1200 calories a day I am ready to finally commit to this. I will be recording my progress and struggles here to help me remain faithful.
Thanks! ~ Lee

P.S. If anyone wants to add me on My Fitness Pal my user name is: Bmal312

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Can I do anything right?

Gerr.

I know in life there are many ups and downs. Recently it seems like there’s been nothing but downs, and it sucks.

Today I went to the funeral of someone I didn’t know, and who wasn’t a Christian. I was asked to sing and I did. It was really emotional for me even though I didn’t know the person. I’m not a very emotional person-on the outside. I tend to burry my feelings because it’s a lot easier than dealing with them. Thats one reason I started a Journal and Blogging. It’s nice to be able to rant about something, feel heard, and not have to worry about other people’s opinions. I always say with my journal, my problems can just sit in there till I can deal with them. This might not be the best way to deal with problems, in fact, I know it’s not. But hey, in a world where you have few friends and the few you do have don’t “really” know anything about you…it’s the best I can do. When I write I often direct my words to God. I do like sitting in my car crying to him, but something about writing my thoughts and feelings just helps more. 

Any who, today kinda sucked. It’s almost the end of the school year with exams and summer fast approaching. The more I think of all the crap I have going on the more I want to cry, but I suck the tears back in and write instead- it’s the only way I know how to cope. One of my friends asked what all I had going on because he didn’t believe it could really be that much! I started to list and explain and before I got very far he had to stop me because his head was spinning, so I won’t try to explain it all here. Lets just say it’s a lot.

Basketball is driving me crazy. I’ve never really played. Yes, I played church ball when I was like 8. Basically I’ve never played. Yeah, we sucked. I go to a very small private school and we have a team of girls who have been playing from the time they were little. I love the game and even though I suck from lack of experience, everyone told me I should at least try it out. One of my closest friends who played before told me she would play if I did and would help me practice and get better.

We have a new Coach who is taking over next year and he wanted to have some “open gym” time after school for anyone interested. Today was the first day…but instead of it being open gym (that would be use all kinda doing are own thing/scrimmaging and asking him to help us with stuff) we had an actual practice. I wanted to get out of there sooo badly. I didn’t know anything -like really- I knew NOTHING! *le sigh. I was getting dirty looks from middle school girls and 5th graders who were going up because of how little I knew. After it was over I stopped and talked to him. I explained to him that I didn’t know a lot of the basics, but I was willing to do whatever and take however much time was needed to learn and be a good player. Now, i had also already explained to him my situation with governors school. Most of the basketball stuff he wants to do over the summer is taking place in June. With this in mind, I basically asked him if he thought it was worth it for me to play. What he told me was basically no, he didn’t want me on the team. He said that at the end of June, after all those practices and camps, he would be picking who he wanted on the team and not. He told me that if I really wanted to be on the team I would have to (basically) kill myself with hard work and effort. After all this he said if I still just really wanted to give it a try, to do it. I was holding back tears the whole time. Why? Maybe a combination of the whole I-just-got-back-from-the-funeral-of-someone-I-know-is-now-in-hell with the it’s-about-my-time-of-the-month. Oh, and maybe just a pinch of all-I’ve-heard-this-week-is-people-telling-me-how-I-can’t-do-anything-right-and-never-will…yeah. But other than that I have nooo idea. Really. I got out of there as quick as possible when into the bathroom and cried. The worse part is I couldn’t have a decent cry where there’s no tears left to cry. I only cried a little when I felt like just letting th flood out. Ugg. I then proceeded to go to my car as quickly as possible- where I cried more. I also went through this thing were I was crying one second and laughing the next on the way to Church. Yeah, it sucked. After I got home I talked to my friend and my older brother about what I should do. The real kicker is that our school is so small we barley have enough for a varsity and a jv- why on earth is he talking about not even letting me play? Thats what my friend, Kenzie, said; and of course I was thinking it to.

After a long talk with my brother I came to this decision: (Note: by tomorrow I meant the second open gym)

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I guess I didn’t really make it clear, BASKETBALL was not the real reason I was crying. As I said before, I tend to push things down and then they build up and something little goes wrong and I start leaking- ya know – though my eyes >.< 

I also kinda feel like maybe the Coach, being new to our school and not knowing anyone, was testing me. See how tough I was. (Of course crying didn’t help but I mean weather I would come back or not.) 

If I don’t get on the team it won’t be the end of the world. It will be Gods way of telling me no, that this isn’t something I should do. Another reason I want to at least give it a shot is that this new Coach will also be a teacher. I don’t want a teacher already disliking me because I ran out on him trying not to cry and well, we left it pretty awkward. What I got form the few times I’ve talked to him I could still get along with him. Even if it was just as a teacher and not as a Coach. Whatever happens, it’s God’s will so I’m just gonna trust God and pray for my own sanity.

~ Lee

Love and Dating ~ Surviving

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A question I get asked a lot is “Why don’t you date?” and it’s a good question, but I’ll tell you now it not simple. I’ve known many high schoolers who also don’t date stating that they have no interest in a relationship and that they’re to busy or want to focus on school. Those are both good reasons but not exactly mine. You see, I want to date (I wish I could simply have to interest in it)…but I have several good reasons why I don’t:

1. I take it seriously.

I take “dating” seriously. I don’t think it should be something that people just do for fun or because they’re bored, lonely, or horny – and lets be honest, that’s what most high school relationships are about. I believe dating should only be used to find the one God has made for you…to marry. Period. Because I take dating so seriously, I wouldn’t date anyone I already know I wouldn’t marry. Now, I know people change – especially in high school – but bare with me for a moment. As a young lady, the man I will one day marry will not only be my husband whom I must be submissive to, but also my and my children’s spiritual leader. So if I meet a young man who I like but isn’t a Christian, or not a very strong Christian, how is he supposed to lead me spiritually? As I said, people do change, and if he did that would be one thing, but I’m not going to date someone now in the hopes that they’ll change later.

2. Maturity

In high school, it has been proven, that girls are generally more mature than boys. Thats not true of every case (in fact in many cases it’s the opposite) but in general it’s true. That being said I don’t consider myself mature enough to date…so how can I expect a potential boyfriend to be? I mean, we’re in high school, we aren’t supposed to be grown up yet. So whats the harm in waiting? At this point, a sign of a guy being mature enough to date would be him saying that he wants to wait.

3. Age

Most high school relationships are started for the wrong reasons, and even the few that have good intentions, what are you gonna do about it? You’re too young to marry, and longer you wait the stronger the temptations…

4. Trust

I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust myself to be alone with a guy and a romantic setting and not do something I’ll regret. I know my own mind better than anyone except God and I’m afraid of what I might do and not care till later. I also have a hard time trusting others, so how could a trust a hormonal teenage guy not to push me in a moment of weakness? I’ve been told by those who experienced it that any time you date someone or get even slightly physical with someone (like holding hands or kissing +) you give a piece of yourself away to them, and I want to save myself for my husband.

5. God

I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong for people to date in high school, but I do believe sometimes God will tell us personally that he doesn’t want us to do something. I have a friend (over 21) who doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with drinking, but he believes that God told him specifically not to and so he doesn’t. I believe God has his reasons, maybe my friend is more likely to be an alcoholic? I don’t know. I believe God has told be not to date till I’m at least out of high school…maybe even till I’m twenty. Why did God tell me this? I’m not completely sure but I think it has to do with #4, maybe also cause I tend to fall in love easily (and when I say love I don’t mean I have a crush on someone I mean…well…thats a story for another time).

 

I hope this is explanation enough for now. I won’t date till I’m older ( unless God sends the Angel Gabriel in human form to me and basically tells me to date him lol ^_^ ). If you have any questions please feel free to ask. ^_^

~ Lee

Snow Dayzz ^_^

snow 3-3-14

So…have I ever mentioned that I like long walks in the snow…barefoot? haha jk, but I do like seeing how long I can stand it and at first, being barefoot in the snow is nice…strangely.

snow feet

Anyhow, I had the day off from school due to snow and just got a text saying that I have tomorrow off to! I guess this gives me some time to catch up on some much needed cleaning. I also got to practice guitar earlier for the first time and I’m really excited about learning how to play!

I’ve been kinda shy about telling people about this but I feel like I need to scream it somewhere: I GOT INTO GOVERNORS SCHOOL!!! AHHH!!! XD
For Those of you who don’t know: Governors school is a 4-week educational program you can go to during the summer. Each state has one and there are many different categories, it’s also really hard to get in. I tried out for voice and not only did I get in but I got the highest scholarship offered! (It cost $3,000)

I hope y’all don’t take that as bragging. It’s just that I usually only tell one or two people about stuff like that and as I said, I wanted to scream it somewhere cause I’m soo excited! ^_^
(Not even my closest friends know/knew and when they found out got mad at me for not telling them!)

So yeah, I guess I better get to cleaning! ^_^

SNOW!!! AHH!!!

snow picture house kitty

snow picture kitty

SNOW!!! AND Kittys!! AND TREES!!!
I’m so happy!
Sorry the quality of the pictures aren’t the best, my phone’s camera sucks.
It started snowing last night and I couldn’t be happier! …ok, I guess if it had snowed on a weekday instead of friday night that would have been cool, but I’m just glad God sent us some! It only snows about once a year where I live so when it does it makes everyone super happy, except the people who think it’s the end of the world 🙂
Well, I guess I better go. I have to finish Catch-22 for school by Monday. That book is hilarious!
Ta-ta for now! ^_^

Nightmares and The Great Tree Trimming of 2014

Written: Tuesday, 2/4/14

I am currently writing this on a pages document as my internet is out. It’s only just at freezing but the trees have ice on them from the other night. It’s raining and with strong winds and trees are down everywhere. Our high top van and strong winds don’t mix well so my dad almost couldn’t come to get me from school due to that and all the fallen trees and limbs. We even had to run over one tree across the rode that was just barley flat enough for our van to make it. Our back yard is COVERED in fallen limbs, my brother said it looks like a tree war zone.
Well, our electricity just wen’t out, at least my laptop is fully charged. We’re so blessed to have a gas heater and stove. We live in the middle of no-where so it will be probably be a day or too till our electricity comes back on, and a maybe 4 or 5 till our interned line gets repaired. If our school isn’t closed tomorrow I can always post this using their internet.
I’m calling this the “Great Tree Trimming of 2014” haha. As I said, we live in the middle of no-where and are surrounded by trees, if you look up our house on google earth you can’t see the top because them so it’s no wonder out every things out.
My dad is pretty prepared and we have plenty of flashlights and a generator for electricity if we really needed it (no use running it if we don’t have to).

Well, I originally wanted to write about my nightmares and fears, but the storm we’ve been having ties into it.
I have nightmares a lot, I never realized it, but I do. When I say I never realized it, I mean that I didn’t keep track of them, I tried to forget about them during the day. I wasn’t until recently that I noticed I have them every night, for awhile I didn’t dream at all.
Sunday, I went to take a nap about 4, right before the super bowl started. I dreamed about my sister. I dreamed she turned into a bee, and we had to catch her and paralyze her, if we did that we had a dust or potion or something that would turn her back human. We kept trying to catch her but she always got loose. The last time we were in a room full of people and when she got lose we tried to tell everyone not to smash her, that she wasn’t really a bee! We asked them to help us catch her but all they did was swat at her! She eventually got hit hard enough and fell to the ground dead. My dreams are weird. Next we were at a hospital, one of my friends was having surgery (one of my friends actually had back surgery the monday before and it was about him). Next my friend Logan’s dad died and while I was trying to comfort him someone came and told me my grandfather had died. Now, this whole story took much longer to play out, and there were all these random plot lines unfolding at the same time! It was super confusing. The weird thing was, my grandfather who died was my dad’s dad, who has already died. It’s like he died again, or had really been alive all this time and I didn’t know!
When I woke up I was really shaken up. It was about 9 so I stayed up for a little while, but went back to bed about 11. When I went back to bed, I had another nightmare. To be honest, I don’t remember what is was about. Like I said, I try to forget nightmares. We didn’t go to school Monday as the storm was rolling in, and I was the first one to go to bed. As I laid in bed last night (Monday night) I herd my bother talking to my mom and I could hear tree branches falling and I was scared, not for myself, but for them. For me, my greatest fear is not me being hurt, but someone I love being hurt. I listened to them talk and I thought about what would happen if a tree fell on our house and killed one of them. I had to ask my mom for sleeping medicine just to go to sleep even though I was exhausted.

I’ve always been afraid for my family’s safety, even when I was little. I remember being as a little girl being afraid my dad wouldn’t come home from work, my brother or sister from school, or my mom from the grocery store. I would run and hug and kiss them and look at them thinking I would never see them again. It was what I feared most. When I see a movie or read a book about a war or the end of the world, I’m always scared I would be in that situation and not be able to protect my family. What if I couldn’t? That is my greatest fear.

Most of my nightmares are related to me fighting or trying to protect someone. I’ve even had a few about my cats or other animals: not being able to find them, them getting hit in the rode or gotten by a hawk, and several about my house catching on fire and not being able to get them out. The fire dream is the only one out of those that hasn’t happened, but I’ve had lots of them, not just about animals but family too…
Lot of what I dream about has happened, to me or my friends. My friend Bonnie is only a year or two older than me and has two younger sisters that are 13 and 11 I think. Their father died right after Christmas…just randomly. He wasn’t sick or really over weight and he just had a heart attack and died a few hours later. Maybe thats why I had a dream about my friend Logan’s dad.
It’s not that all my night mares are the worst thing you could imagine, but they’re enough. My friends tell me I’m lucky because their nightmares keep them from sleeping. The truth is that I can’t wake up, I’m trapped in whatever nightmare I’m in and even though I am sleeping, it’s not restful sleep and I’m even tireder. Nightmares that you can’t escape and sleep that doesn’t do you any good isn’t better than just being able to escape the nightmares. At least if you’re a wake you can read, or write or something. I’m not saying my predicament is worse, I’m saying it’s unfair of them to say that they have it worse when they haven’t been in my shoes. I’ve been in theirs. I’ve had sleepless night because of nightmares before, just not anymore.

Hello!

I figure a first post should be about who I am and why I made this blog.

Well first of all, My names Lee! I’m very conservative and my life’s goal is to serve God. I’m a sophomore in a small private school. I live in the middle of nowhere. Music? I like almost any type of music, same with movies and books. I’ve always loved a good mystery or crime though! I’m very different depending on what mood I’m in. I get very hyper and crazy a lot of the time, yet then I turn around and am super serious and rational. Like anyone and everyone people have tried to fit me in a box and frankly, I’m just too weird a shape! 😉

That’s part of why I decided to start blogging…

I don’t just open up to anyone, but when I do, people often judge me for the side I do show and can’t see me any other way after. When I have opened up, I never let too much out anyway. I’ve wanted a way to express myself for a long time without necessarily people I know seeing it. I want to share how I feel or think about certain things without hurting my family or friends feelings. I want an outlet, a way to breath. I’m never comfortable complaining or talking about my feelings to other people, it always seems like they’re bored, don’t care, or are just too taken up with they’re own problems. I’m not saying that they’re problems aren’t important. I’m saying that they are. I’m saying they’re more important than mine so I don’t trouble them with mine. My friends always tell me that I’m supper cheerful in person, but my writing is always supper depressing, it shows how they never see the hurt part of me.

I’ll use this blog for a bunch of different things. I’ll post fun things, DIY’s, and happy crazy stuff! But I’ll also post stuff that is serious, thoughtful, and sometimes kinda depressing. I’m not trying to scare you off, I’m just being honest. I’ll probably be more open here than I am to any person except God. I want there to be one place where I can be me, and don’t have to worry about hurting my friends feeling or wasting their time.

~ Lee

P.S. For more about me stuff see the “Who, me?” page/section thingy. ^_^