I know in life there are many ups and downs. Recently it seems like there’s been nothing but downs, and it sucks.
Today I went to the funeral of someone I didn’t know, and who wasn’t a Christian. I was asked to sing and I did. It was really emotional for me even though I didn’t know the person. I’m not a very emotional person-on the outside. I tend to burry my feelings because it’s a lot easier than dealing with them. Thats one reason I started a Journal and Blogging. It’s nice to be able to rant about something, feel heard, and not have to worry about other people’s opinions. I always say with my journal, my problems can just sit in there till I can deal with them. This might not be the best way to deal with problems, in fact, I know it’s not. But hey, in a world where you have few friends and the few you do have don’t “really” know anything about you…it’s the best I can do. When I write I often direct my words to God. I do like sitting in my car crying to him, but something about writing my thoughts and feelings just helps more.
Any who, today kinda sucked. It’s almost the end of the school year with exams and summer fast approaching. The more I think of all the crap I have going on the more I want to cry, but I suck the tears back in and write instead- it’s the only way I know how to cope. One of my friends asked what all I had going on because he didn’t believe it could really be that much! I started to list and explain and before I got very far he had to stop me because his head was spinning, so I won’t try to explain it all here. Lets just say it’s a lot.
Basketball is driving me crazy. I’ve never really played. Yes, I played church ball when I was like 8. Basically I’ve never played. Yeah, we sucked. I go to a very small private school and we have a team of girls who have been playing from the time they were little. I love the game and even though I suck from lack of experience, everyone told me I should at least try it out. One of my closest friends who played before told me she would play if I did and would help me practice and get better.
We have a new Coach who is taking over next year and he wanted to have some “open gym” time after school for anyone interested. Today was the first day…but instead of it being open gym (that would be use all kinda doing are own thing/scrimmaging and asking him to help us with stuff) we had an actual practice. I wanted to get out of there sooo badly. I didn’t know anything -like really- I knew NOTHING! *le sigh. I was getting dirty looks from middle school girls and 5th graders who were going up because of how little I knew. After it was over I stopped and talked to him. I explained to him that I didn’t know a lot of the basics, but I was willing to do whatever and take however much time was needed to learn and be a good player. Now, i had also already explained to him my situation with governors school. Most of the basketball stuff he wants to do over the summer is taking place in June. With this in mind, I basically asked him if he thought it was worth it for me to play. What he told me was basically no, he didn’t want me on the team. He said that at the end of June, after all those practices and camps, he would be picking who he wanted on the team and not. He told me that if I really wanted to be on the team I would have to (basically) kill myself with hard work and effort. After all this he said if I still just really wanted to give it a try, to do it. I was holding back tears the whole time. Why? Maybe a combination of the whole I-just-got-back-from-the-funeral-of-someone-I-know-is-now-in-hell with the it’s-about-my-time-of-the-month. Oh, and maybe just a pinch of all-I’ve-heard-this-week-is-people-telling-me-how-I-can’t-do-anything-right-and-never-will…yeah. But other than that I have nooo idea. Really. I got out of there as quick as possible when into the bathroom and cried. The worse part is I couldn’t have a decent cry where there’s no tears left to cry. I only cried a little when I felt like just letting th flood out. Ugg. I then proceeded to go to my car as quickly as possible- where I cried more. I also went through this thing were I was crying one second and laughing the next on the way to Church. Yeah, it sucked. After I got home I talked to my friend and my older brother about what I should do. The real kicker is that our school is so small we barley have enough for a varsity and a jv- why on earth is he talking about not even letting me play? Thats what my friend, Kenzie, said; and of course I was thinking it to.
After a long talk with my brother I came to this decision: (Note: by tomorrow I meant the second open gym)
I guess I didn’t really make it clear, BASKETBALL was not the real reason I was crying. As I said before, I tend to push things down and then they build up and something little goes wrong and I start leaking- ya know – though my eyes >.<
I also kinda feel like maybe the Coach, being new to our school and not knowing anyone, was testing me. See how tough I was. (Of course crying didn’t help but I mean weather I would come back or not.)
If I don’t get on the team it won’t be the end of the world. It will be Gods way of telling me no, that this isn’t something I should do. Another reason I want to at least give it a shot is that this new Coach will also be a teacher. I don’t want a teacher already disliking me because I ran out on him trying not to cry and well, we left it pretty awkward. What I got form the few times I’ve talked to him I could still get along with him. Even if it was just as a teacher and not as a Coach. Whatever happens, it’s God’s will so I’m just gonna trust God and pray for my own sanity.